There are probably several reasons for the current wobbliness (and I'm not talking tummies here - that's a whole other kettle of fish...) but I think I can narrow it down to one or two main issues. Firstly, we've been looking for a house to buy - for over a year now - and on Friday saw another house - it was lovely, nothing particularly wrong with it, but just not the house for us. On Saturday I was in the grumpiest mood ever and I think the house thing was the main catalyst for this. I can't quite put my finger on why the house was wrong, I can be picky about minor details - which when you're buying the 'forever house' (how I hate that term - but for various reasons that's what we need to do here as there's no concept of property ladder to climb) you have to get it right! So feeling that I'm being overly picky - slightly too small a kitchen, too busy a road, would be nice to have xyz has I think contributed to why I'm feeling odd, getting the sinking feeling that we'll never find The One. Perhaps I need to reassess my wish list, but somethings would just be a compromise too far - so we're sticking with them. I wonder if we'll end up having to build our own - now that would be a project to get stuck into!
Secondly, since we made the decision to look for a house to buy I've moved on in my mind from our current house. So I'm living in a sort of state of limbo. There are things I'd like to do (perhaps need to do) here which I've put off because 'we're going to move'. There seems little point in sorting the lighting / buying new garden furniture / redoing the veg patch and so forth. I think I'm coming round to the idea that I can't carry on in this half hearted manner and actually, I do need to concentrate on the here and now and not the what if/when of the future.
There's little chance of us coming back to the UK - indeed we don't want to come back to the UK - our life is here now - even the children consider themselves partly German (at the very least!) so I don't think my wobbles have to do with missing 'the motherland' - although the permanency of buying a house may have subconsciously triggered some thoughts in that direction, but there is a fairly well recognised Wall - especially amongst expats. We've been here for four years now and whilst it does get easier, assimilating and integrating fully is difficult - and I'm not sure it's something that you ever truly achieve. So perhaps I've just hit my wall and need to struggle over / through it and coming out the other side will make me a stronger person?
So moving forward what I hope to try to do is:
- not pin so much on the future and the when we move it will all be great idea
- try to be more content with the here and now and enjoy what I do have
- to make the most of being overseas - try to improve my language skills and be more proactive in getting out into the local community.